If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
