I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
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you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
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I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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