its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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