My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
