In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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