Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
