your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
