I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
