The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
