My brain says no but my pants say off.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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