I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
