I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
