i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
