I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
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I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
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Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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