he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
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We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
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Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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