We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
