Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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