I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
