i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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