sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
