You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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