I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
