you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
