I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
