Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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