If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
