jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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