my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
True college students do jello shots in the library
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
