does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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