What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
