What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
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I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
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So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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