he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
