I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Sorry my hands just texted you
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
