I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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