On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
