Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
