So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
