got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
