The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I AM VODKA MAN
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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