I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
