I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
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Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
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A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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