weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
