I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
