hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
