I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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