Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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