Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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