I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
