the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
