My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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