Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
