He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
