I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
