im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
