I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Dicks are not precious.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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