you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
