I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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