just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
