I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
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