Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
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