sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
