I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
